Airquotes Writes the Worst Deck Primer Ever

aka “Trouble in Paradise: The Princess Cadance and Shining Armor Dual-Mane Deck”

First off, kudos to Enterplay for coming up with the Double-Mane Chaos is Magic format. It not only opened the doors for fun, creative, and quirky deckbuilding, but it gave us all an avenue for expressing our favorite pony pairing fantasies. I mean, besides writing fanfiction.

Having never written pony fanfiction before, I decided to use this one-shot format as an excuse to construct the hottest, steamiest, most innuendo-laden deck I could…

Unfortunately, my “Rarity Plows Applejack’s Field” deck was shaping up to be too much like Appledoom’s Gravedigger deck . Consequently, I had to (hehe) abandon ship.

Rarity and Applejack Share a Bed
Maybe another time.

Instead, I paired the only two manes that are canonically in a romantic relationship: Shining Armor (Armour for you weirdo Brits) and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, of dubious Italian descent. Without further ado, I present “Trouble in Paradise,” the best worst deck I’ve ever constructed.

The decklist:

Mane:
1 x Shining Armor/Princess Cadance, Fastball Special
1 x Princess Cadance, Loving Ruler

Problems:
2 x Bottom of the Well
2 x Entertain the Crystal Ponies
1 x Ice Cloud Calamity
2 x Social Obligations
2 x Accessorize the Crystal Ponies
1 x 800 Years of Sweltering Heat

Draw:
3 x Big Shot, Wildlife Photographer
3 x Rarity, Breeziefied
3 x Sweetie Belle, Showstopper
3 x Dressed Up
2 x Pony Charm
3 x The Power of Love
3 x Scootaloo, Showstopper
3 x Scootaloo, Creature Catcher
3 x Lead Pony Badge
2 x Daring Do, Professional Heroine
3 x Scootaloo, Fan Club Founder
2 x Rainbow Dash, Winged Wonder
2 x Fears Must be Faced
2 x Queen Chrysalis
2 x \”Princess Mi Amore Cadenza\”
3 x Changeling Swarm
2 x Relay Race
1 x Poetry Slam

The cards:

Boosted side of Fastball Special
Strong, independent mare

Fastball Special — The workhorse of the deck. You will eventually flip this card to its Boosted side, which symbolically marks a turning point in Shining Armor and Cadance’s relationship.

Princess Cadance, Loving Ruler — Literally a stay-at-home mom in this deck. If you somehow flip her, your opponent should just quit and play Yu-Gi-Oh.

Big Shot — Every royal couple is inevitably hounded by paparazzi.

Scootaloo, Scootaloo, Scootaloo — Scootaloo.

Lead Pony Badge — Like a regular pony badge, except it’s made of lead.

The Power of Love — Cadance is the princess of love, and this is presumably her power.

Pony Charm — Cadance’s love magic also includes seduction. I read that in a fanfic once.

Queen Chrysalis, “Princess Mi Amore Cadenza” — In here to create confusing board states. If Chrysalis is at one Problem, Fastball Special is at the other, Cadenza is at your opponent’s Home, and Loving Ruler is at yours, THEN WHO WAS PHONE?!

800 Years of Sweltering Heat — This Problem is actively terrible for the deck. It is only in here so I can make that one inappropriate joke.

The Story So Far…

Princess Cadance Loving a Ruler
The face of crazy

Games typically unfold like a bad fanfic. If you can’t tell from the artwork on Loving Ruler, Cadance is baby-crazy. It’s a logical inference. She keeps shoving Scootaloos in Shining Armor’s face, hoping he’d get the hint and do something about her 800 Years of Sweltering Heat.

At some point, the board will have enough Scootaloos that Cadance just adopts the young vagrant. This, of course, means that Shining Armor failed to, uh… produce for the Princess of Love. You’ll notice that once Fastball Special flips, Shining Armor is out of the picture, because Cadance is a strong, independent mare who don’t need no man.

That’s just the main plot, but there are plenty of other layers to the story. Chrysalis and her Changelings are mimicking Cadance everywhere, Cadance unwittingly gives Scootaloo lead poisoning with a toy Wonderbolts badge out of a cereal box, and Sweetie Belle practices necromancy on her sister. It’s really deep and cerebral.

Actual Deck Strategy:

Scootaloo original recipe
Original recipe

Score points wherever possible. The deck has many tools to confront Problems, attack Troublemakers, and score cheaty points. Since this is in no way an optimized deck, pony math is especially important. Knowing when to double confront and how to hide where your extra cheaty points are going to come from are crucial to blindsiding your opponent and stealing victory out from under them.

All of your Scootaloos have exhaust abilities. Use them. Abuse them, even. She’s an orphan, so it’s OK.


Airquotes Airquotes is a snarky, sarcastic source of useful opinions that are never wrong. His author is some sort of published journalist or whatever.

2 thoughts on “Airquotes Writes the Worst Deck Primer Ever”

  1. Airquotes, I feel like you missed a golden opportunity to play Pip. I mean Pip screams orphan and he might do a thing too. Plus, when are you ever going to play pip?

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