Crystal Games: Chash Impressions

Niko has already done an extensive examination of Crystal Games cards, but he did it from the OCR, which means he neglected a very important part of his discussion: what’s the most hilarious art? What’s the most awkward art? Which art makes you feel sad in your soul?

Worry not. I’m here for you.

Let’s do this thing.

CRYSTAL GAMES SUPERLATIVES

Scootaloo's Scooter
:DDDDDD

Cutest Art: Scootaloo’s Scooter
Man, look at that. Look how happy she is! That is a foal who has gotten a scooter and never had it stolen by Hitler. Everything about this is adorable. I would snuggle it at night if it wasn’t a rare. Also, it would be kind of pointy.

Also in contention for shiniest
Also in contention for shiniest

Prettiest: Fluttershy Crystalized
All the crystal ponies are pretty, but Fluttershy is definitely the prettiest. I think it’s her hair. Christmas is coming and if anyone wants to get me a human girl with hair as pretty as Crystal Fluttershy’s as a present, that would be great. It looks really nice.

metal
Someone saw me and Vinyl playing yesterday and thought she was covered in blood.

Most Metal: Sweetie Belle Showstopper
I don’t think I need to explain this. Look at her. Look how metal she is. She’s so metal. She’s the most metal.

Looking at this card actually makes me feel sad and uncomfortable.
Looking at this card actually makes me feel sad and uncomfortable.

Creepiest (for valid flavor reasons): Creepy Creeping Crystals
I think it’s the colors on this one? The art just blends with the card’s background and it makes me feel like all the color is seeping out of the world. Also, why is it yellow? Why would you play it? I’m going to stop looking at this one. Good job, designers. Mission accomplished (?)

oh god it's staring into my soul
oh god it’s staring into my soul

Creepiest (for no good reason): Braeburn Appleloosan Apple
Yeah no just look at his ONE GIANT EYE he is coming for you. He is coming for us all. Everyone calls him creeper Braeburn, right? It’s not just us?

how did it end up like this
how did it end up like this

Creepiest (shipping edition): Friends Forever
nope

 

homoerotic
Get some.

Most Homoerotic: Plowing the Field
Yeah, Applejack. You plow Rarity’s field. You plow it hard.

Ask Derek about this card.
Ask Derek about this card.

Pinkie Pie Element of Laughter Memorial I Hope You Like Text Award: Stay Quiet the Longest
I know this isn’t strictly about the art, but we always need to acknowledge that card that makes you bored just reading all the text on it. Congrats, Fluttershy. You did it.

And, drumroll please, the best art in Crystal Games award goes to……

 

yessssssssssss
yessssssssssss

MAGICAL MAILBOX

Man look at this card. This is art, guys. Everything from Spike’s face to Twilight’s face to the green smoke. This is the pinnacle. It’s even better than Undercover Adventure. Everything about it is perfect. Also it makes Niko laugh so hard he cries. It’s really a shame it’s part of a degenerate combo deck that should not be, because it is the best art ever. Let’s all appreciate it one more time:

yessssssssssss x2
yessssssssssss x2

Yeah. Perfection.

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